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Tag Archives: loneliness

When the Bow Breaks

This eerie feeling is so undeniable. I can now feel the bumper hitting my side. I’m getting this creepy chill as I am fully aware of the reality that I’m currently in motion, feeling my body flying momentarily in the air, seeing the lights drawing distance. I am so caught in the momentum as I am now anticipating my hurtful crash.

Then finally, the gravity pulls me down hard, hitting the ground with all my weight, throwing all my multiple gypsy neck accessories off my body, scattering all tiny beads and apparels off in every direction, and feeling some bones cracking from the inside and tissues ripping from the outside. I am so aware of how rough the road is as I rub and shovel myself off against the asphalt, and tear some skin off especially on my bony corner parts.

Then, at last, I have come to a halt.

There is silence. I cannot hear anything. I cannot move. I cannot speak. I can do nothing. I cannot even think. My thoughts just escaped ten seconds ago; and now, it’s null. It’s blank. It’s void. There is nothing at all.

I guess that’s it. That is all it. That is just how it goes.

I’m dead.

I just died.

I cannot believe that I’m all right here, standing still, watching my own cold body lying on the ground. This part of me is what I have not prepared for.

Duh, as if like it happens everyday!

Dead bodies are not what we get to see everyday, as to coffins are not one of those domestic decorations we see in regular houses on regular occasions.

It’s not like a lousy bump on the knee as we stupidly walk over a table; or, flipping a leg over as we pay less attention that the staircase has one more step, which we forget to step on.

The brains are the body as the emotions are the soul. It takes authenticity to see the soul through the eyes. Silence is therapeutic as it tames the unquiet mind yet, also deadly as it kills the tormented heart.

Big drops of rain keep pelting on my cold, lifeless, icy face as the darkened sky mercilessly drown me. I drown myself in, stirring it all in, struggling for it, hoping that I could bring myself back to life; but, guess what? I never did.

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Posted by on October 9, 2017 in The Avenue

 

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Its Loneliest Tick

Its Loneliest Tick

“There is loneliness in this world, so great that you can see it in the slow movement of the hands of the clock.” — Charles Bukowski

It’s the intangible sensation that creeps beneath your skin, surfacing out, thrilling your nerves with unbearable chill.  It’s the undefined emotion that sculls your fear through the waves of your mind.  It’s the unsolicited presentiment that rooms into your thought, clearing all your mind’s furniture of sanity.  It’s that moment when hope abandons you, as fear torments you.

It’s dark.  Night-dark.  Casket-dark.  Darkest dark your vision could ever recognize.  It fuels the forever restless engine, sitting, rusting down the pit of the unmapped space of your heart.  It unlocks your forced-lock fear like vampires disturbed and awakened from their deep sleep down the deepest part of the dungeon by a single drop of fresh blood.  It skulls into your mind picture after picture of fangs, claws and misshapened shadows.  It shrinks your heart into an impossible fold where you cringe yourself in fear and sorrow.  You cower yourself exceedingly small as you keep watching over crawlies underneath your bed.  It feeds from your loneliest memory of the past.

It ticks, and it never stops.

 
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Posted by on March 24, 2017 in The Avenue

 

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My Forelsket: A Bittersweet Remembrance of Love

My Forelsket: A Bittersweet Remembrance of Love

Late post: 2nd March 2017

My Forelsket: A Bittersweet Remembrance of Love
Your brains were the sexiest part of you, as your heart was worth the love.

I set sail on the expanse of your mind, as you braved yourself enough to enter my storm.

I dived into the deepest abyss of your being, as you loved the size of my waves.

You amused me with your intellectual capacity, as I impressed you with my words.

You relished the love in my soul through coffee shop dates, as I moved your heart with my love letters.
I fell in love with your brains as I fell in love with your heart.

I fell in love with your heart as I fell in love with your soul.

I fell in love with your soul as I fell in love with your love for me.

I fell in love with your love for me as I fell in love with you.
Jun,

My Love,
On this day, I once again visit you in this little nook in my heart where you peacefully rest as you stay with me forever.

I once again feel the strong grip of your hand holding mine.

I once again feel your amaranthine love right at the very center of my heart.

The same day I last heard your voice calling my name from the deepest lobe of my brains.
Among the phosphenes that I see as I rub my eyes off from tears, your eesome face surfaces as all our beautiful past reverberates.

Yet, unlike before, your memories now bring me smiles instead of sorrow, peace instead of grief, and love instead of mourn.

Though tears of loneliness still fill my tristful heart.

Yes, they still flow; just not as often as before.
It’s been a year now since you went away yet, my love for you remains exactly the same as the first day.

Until the day we meet again, I will keep writing you short letters, and will keep sending them up to the Moon.

I hope you would take a trip, and pick them up.
I missed you so much;

And, I love you, too!
Rest now, my Love.

May you find peace with God Almighty;

And, may I find the strength to let you go.

 
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Posted by on March 24, 2017 in Lyrics of Life

 

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Dualities

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The hissing of the crickets.  The whooshing of the leaves.  The light from the post.  The damp street.  The cold night air.  The whole essence of being there.

They all never matter now.  Being down here in expense of losing the world just never pays a fair shot.  There’s never a fair shot.  One time or another, you just have to come out in clean slate.  One time or another, you just have to make a choice for this world is one big phenomenon, same goes to life.  You can’t stay indifferent forever.

Despite the world, alone is still the most familiar word.  It just never runs out of room.  It gathers everyone in yet, it doesn’t help one feel better.  It just feeds one’s heart with sorrow and pain  until everything crashes down leaving one’s self helpless and desperate.  It breaks one’s every wall, destroys one’s every dream, corrupts one’s very own sanity as it continuously settles depression in the heart.  Worse is, most of the time, it’s contributed by those who hang around.

Fuck this world off and fuck you, you, and you!  You think this is subtle enough?  Think again!  You just created a world of mass hysteria for we will all drown in your different faces of selfishness.  If I have to die, you’re just too already late.  If I have to suffer, I guess, I’m not the first one.  If I have to lose everything that keeps me sane, I’m most willing to.  I’d rather settle in my own self-defined sense than to share the cruelty of the world you all created.  I’d rather stay this way forever for in my reality, you all don’t exist.  You will never exist.

You were never much of help anyway.  You were never there the day I died.  You all got reasons to pass all the burden right on my pouch.  You all got ways to leave everything behind forcing me to keep putting my life on hold just so you could live yours.

One day, you’ll just see me right down the cracks cold and stiff.  One day, you’ll just feel the coldness you caused my heart.  One day, you’ll just have me too late.  One day, you’ll just realize how fuck you all are for contributing a lot to my depression.  One day.  Just one day.  Then you’ll realize how deep the wounds in my heart really are.  You’ll realize the severity of the scars you engraved on my skin.  You’ll realize the horrific world you all just put me into.  You are the imbalance of my duality.  I just wish you never exist.

Posted by Movingnotion via Android

 
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Posted by on November 1, 2014 in The Avenue

 

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A 9-Second True-Color Crazy Emotion!

unbearable-sorrow

16.8 MILLION COLORS are visible to a human eye as twice its size make up a lie to a human brain that burns the soul to an anguish relentless darkness.  It creeps through the inside of an icy cage of a dirty mind creating whirlpools of reiterated thoughts of pain and betrayal.  It forces a person to pull out her soul and hit the cracks for the gravity is too strong where all emotions circle the drain, surfacing from within all at once making the person confused of which to feel and which not.  It’s like a razor that pierces one’s throat, igniting one’s misery as she inhales ten thousand lies that come out from another person’s losing cigarette.  It’s forever invading her placid domicile, taking turns, burning ashes, destroying her refuge, making her unstable for all emotions are now lurking out of her calm soul, making her brain turn everything out, creating racing thoughts, giving her grandiose feelings that completely oppose reality all in 9 seconds.  A struck of another person’s sharp tongue is like a strike of a sword that may gorge her flesh and sink her in her own bowl of rapid moodswing where she will drown in this obvious vast image of unbearable battle between her own two brains and her 9-second rapid moodswing.

NOW, WHO KILLED the person?  Who ripped her wounds?  Who robbed her heart? Who pierced her soul?

BREATHE before you cover me with your blanket.  Experience the smoke that you cover the air.  Feel the awkward loneliness that marked my death.  Live the loud haunting monotonous silence of my cold presence lying on the ground.  I died out of my wounded heart for all million emotions drowned me down, which was triggered out by your malicious mind.

NOW, inhale one last time before you cover me with your blanket.  Inhale ten thousand lies that you carelessly drowned me.  Now watch me dead and lifeless.  You may never realize the ugliness of the world for you were already relentlessly watching me die through the bitterness of your tongue.

A STRUCK OF another person’s sharp tongue is like a strike of a sword that may gorge her flesh and sink her in her own bowl of rapid moodswing where she will drown in this obvious vast image of unbearable battle between her own two brains and her 9-second rapid moodswing.

 
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Posted by on January 11, 2013 in The Episodes

 

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