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Jana

Jana

“And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.” ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

Jana!

My FRIENDS knock on my door to check me out if I’m still awake. ~ My BESTFRIEND just barges right through and yell, “Jan, I’m home!”

My FRIENDS look around when they enter my room. ~ My BESTFRIEND parades as she has memorized every single corner of it!

My FRIENDS ask permission when they borrow my stuff, and say “Thank you!” Upon returning them the next day. ~ My BESTFRIEND just shops around though I’m not there then say, “Jan, I borrowed your this and this and that and that. Just tell me when you need them!”

My FRIENDS say, “Hi, July! How are you?” When whenever we meet at work. ~ My BESTFRIEND kisses me and say, “I love you, okay?” In every situation!

My FRIENDS say, “Thank you!” When I offer them my food. ~ My BESTFRIEND just plomps herself lousily on a chair and say, “Good! You cooked. I’m hungry!” Without any invitation at all.

My FRIENDS mention my name when they talk about me. ~ My BESTFRIEND says, “My July.” When she talks about me.

My FRIENDS listen when I talk. ~ My BESTFRIEND is all ears on me like she’s hearing the last words on the planet when I talk.

My FRIENDS celebrate Friendship Day every once in awhile. ~ I celebrate it everytime I’m with my BESTFRIEND!

My FRIENDS are just a few. ~ My BESTFRIEND is my Bosnian kid!

She’s European ~ I’m Asian!

She’s got four seasons ~ I got two!

She’s got 3 big chunks of land ~ I got 7,107!

She’s got beautiful medieval places ~ I got a Summer getaway!

She kicked ass as she won over Team Russia during a European Kick Boxing Championship Tournament ~ I write everytime I’m frustrated and want to kick someone’s ass right down the next corner!

She makes a cup of coffee ~ I drink it!

She starts a thought ~ I finish it!

She consumes my condiments ~ I consume her bread!

She likes my rice ~ I like her coffee!

She likes the way I agree to disagree ~ I like the way she convinces me!

She likes my type of crazy ~ Oh, please! She just obviously got no idea that she’s way worse than ever!

A beautiful friendship with a beautiful start. ~ No drama, no bullshit!

And, I will never trade it over anything that may knock on my motor!

“And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.” ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

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Posted by on March 24, 2017 in Lyrics of Life

 

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My Emerald in the Sand

My Emerald in the Sand

I took a trip one day,
In a place I least expected;
When there’s just nothing else to say —
As time felt like reverted.

The roads sizzled in Summer,
And, the air just burned my skin;
The days were long, the nights were longer —
As tomorrow was unforeseen.

Then I saw you there sitting alone,
Surprised by this everlasting turmoil;
Your luscious green, your vivid tone —
My emerald, you just simply pleased this Arabian soil.

You might have wondered,
For what brought you here;
For there’s just nothing you’ve discovered —
But the sand, the air, and the sky so clear.

Yet, this arid soil was amazed as you came,
Together with the doves on the dates;
For every day for them was lame and the same —
At least, finding something new compensates.

My sluggish soul was pleased as well,
As I completely stopped and stare;
You are the first I saw in my life, I would tell —
For you are the rarest among all colors fair.

Among all colors, you are seriously rare,
For you turn more vibrant in happiness, anger and excitement;
As the rich color of green that you bear —
Captures attention and unexpected denouement.

Yet you visually play with colors, too,
In a room in the night when the lights are dim;
You play this trick from green to blue —
Like the sky, that’s just how you seem.

But, somewhat lately, I just have to say,
The color I adore, no longer comes my way;
For your luscious green just turned dull gray —
By sadness and irritations that lined up your array.

You don’t deserve this!
Just none of it all,
For no harm you could ever make;
To put out your brightness
As you’re taken control —
Over, that was a big mistake.

You suffered in pain,
You suffered in tears,
This was not what you came for;
The green turned gray,
My precious emerald —
What more are you looking for?

This place may not be for you,
As for you may not be for this place;
For your luscious green in Springtime due —
Are being buried just to disgrace.

This price is high!
It’s not for you,
Yet, they ought to get you in a show;
If be like this, everyday you’ll cry —
Then I would rather let you go.

If I could just somehow share your pain,
I, for sure, have now made my way;
For I missed you, my emerald —
I simply miss you everyday.

Well, I guess, that’s it!
That is all it,
Not everything comes for free;
I shouldn’t wonder,
My emerald in the sand —
One day, I will no longer get to see.

I took a trip one day,
In a place I least expected;
When there’s just nothing else to say
But, “Hi!” —
Then precious emerald turned to me,
And, a beautiful friendship started.

 
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Posted by on February 1, 2017 in Lyrics of Life

 

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Hanging Up: When Friendship Hurts

Hanging Up: When Friendship Hurts

I was so aware of my slippers making steps as I tried to gambol down the staircase.  The house looked alive as the lights were switched on, but this undeniable feeling that it’s now dead was all over the atmosphere; like a curse was all casted upon it.

As soon as I opened the front door, the cold night breeze welcomed me, which made me wrap my arms around my shoulders.  I squinted while raising my head up the sky for the cold breeze was hurting my eyes.  The wind wasn’t blowing that strongly though, but its coldness was drying my eyes, causing pain, making them feel tired.  I kept making slow full steps away from the door as I kept glancing around, looking around, watching the leaves from a nearby tree smoothly sway with the breeze.  Its lusciousness kept the night renewed.

Despite the coldness of the night, I still kept walking away from the door, heading towards the gate.  As I reached the forever open gate, I made a long sigh to drop all the worries off.  The breeze was starting to go even colder as the night was about to go off, to give way to sunrise.  It’s early dawn and though I had just rested for few hours, I still felt like I never had.

How strange was this feeling that everyone in the house was already asleep yet, here I was, standing outside, withdrawing all my emotions off, keeping my heart cold to numb the pain.  I thought it was okay, but why did I feel differently all in a sudden?  Why did I suddenly drown when I thought that I finally had a grip?

The steady blow of this early morning air was cool enough to hurt my cheeks.  I was now getting conscious of my eyelids making folds everytime I blink.  My eyes were still growing dim and tired yet, my brains made them awake.  I wanted to take them back to bed and shut them forever yet, there’s something in me asking me to stay a little longer.

An unsolicited feeling of loneliness slowly invaded my heart like that of a nullity of shock as my emotions slowly deformed me in this relentless, formless melancholy.  It’s pinching my heart, crumpling it into a hundred folds. I was now starting to get numb about my very existence being out here as early as dawn, earlier than sunrise.  Then a sudden thought entered my mind.  So soft like that of a whisper of a friend who happened to be YOU, asking me to come home.  The more I noticed it, the more it turned louder like music played with cymbals and drums.  Or, maybe I was just not hearing it, afterall.  Probably!  Yet, probably, it’s your silence and your casual vacancies that I’ve been hearing all along, deafening my ears, getting even louder as the days had gone by.

Helpless about this situation, I just simply blinked my eyes as I raised them to the sky.  The waning Moon was still abroad so I still had to say, Hi!  It’s always been my late night companion.  It’s always there to listen.  What’s strange was that, it just felt exactly the same!  Circumstances differed but the pain felt exactly the same.  This pain when your friendship is having a hard time surviving its own crisis.  Time never heals everything.  That’s what I believe in; unless you go along with it.  Yet, this time, I don’t know if I still want to go along with.  I thought all was okay.  I just thought so.  I think it’s okay if I want to draw lines.  I think it’s okay to drive off the crowd.  I think it’s okay to cherish this pain for now because honestly, they still hurt.  I want silence.  I want peace.  I think it’s okay to show that I’m still not okay.

I have gotten to the point when I’m torn into half.  I have gotten to the point where all these little pebbles, which I endlessly crunch in my hands, now slowly dusting off like dead leaves dramatically falling on the ground as Summer gave way to Fall.

I still keep hearing your sweet voice calling my name from behind as a light clattering of plates interfered coming from a distant dining window.  It kept on pinching my heart as I inhaled this desperating air rising up in the night.  All my wishful thinking drowned me in the river of my own tears.  The pain had gotten heavier as I stayed here even longer.  The air had gotten warmer as I stepped on this broken bridge.  I was now moving away further from the deck where I could glance on the dining window.  I now heard nothing but the monotonous awkward sound of an empty night.

As I kept waiting right here in the dark, a sudden loud thunder broke out as heavy rain poured down on me, washing all my troubles yet, my hands were still burning like Winter fire.  They’re starting to age as my eyes were now turning pale.

Then I got destructed by the warmth I suddenly felt on my face, and thought that I needed to touch it, in which I did, then found myself surprised about how wet my face was.  I was crying.  I didn’t know I was already crying, and that just pulled me right off from my momentary trancé.  I took a long sigh after finding myself back on my spot, right here, right now, standing by the open gate; and, that it’s cold because it’s Winter instead of Fall, and that the rain was just impossible to break out.

There was this heavy feeling that’s trying to surface from within; trying to push itself up to burst.  I’ve been fighting it until I can no longer hold it back, so then I just closed my eyes and simply let these warm big tears stream down my face.  The feeling was so relieving.  The feeling was so unnerving.  I thought I needed to cry, so then I did.  Feeding one’s loneliness could sometimes be the best feeling in the world.

So, I think it’s okay.  I think it’s okay not to be okay sometimes.  For now, I just want to stay this way.

 
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Posted by on January 11, 2017 in The Avenue

 

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My 2013 Has Been An Everyday Knock On The Door!

2013 stands by its number. It’s shouting all over the year. It’s counting all year round. It’s ticking time as it’s writing each page. It’s marking up smiles and tears, laughs and screams, love and hate, accomplishments and failure, honesty and betrayal. In 2013, everyday is a new day. Everyday is a fight. Everyday is another story. Everyday is enough for so much happens in every day of this year.

During the first trimester, I kept whining about my everyday for I used to say that 2013 and I were never compatible for we’ve never agreed on something right. It was like everything was just falling out of place. It was like everything I was holding on was just breaking off my hands crashing into million pieces. The very first day of this year handed me off with flu wrapped in fancy paper that ended up as Influenza making me sickly and weak for almost two weeks. Then the next month tormented me with extreme manic-depressive moodswings that well settled right at the center of my heart. Worse was that, I entertained them that made them last until May. Regarding June, June was layback. June was peaceful and healing. June was a shower of blessings all up until my birth month. It’s just that, my birthdate has always been so depressive for it forever reminds me of my beautiful other half who peacefully rests in my heart. Then came August. August was another downfall while September was another high-rise and it continuously sways me up and down through peaks and valleys all throughout these remaining ber-months. One foot of mine quickly steps right up the pedestal while the other gets a hard time pulling itself off 6-feet under.

2013 has never been a year for me for it’s constantly consuming my emotions feeding upon my inner ground leaving me all restless and empty-handed. It had me go on extra miles to test my faith and my whole being. It had me through extreme depression which I never thought I would survive. It had me through losing all I got left. It had me through all false accusations, betrayal and abandonment of friends. Nice friends they were and nice friends they all remain yet for real, I can simply count with my fingers.

Days are still to pass and nights are still to count yet, for whatever it takes, I’m crossing my fingers for despite it all, part of me is still thankful that 2013 passed for it made me realize who I really am and what I’m really capable of. It made me realize all that I deserve to keep and all that I should have released so long ago. It made me understand all my undying emotions better and how to handle them as they randomly surface from within leaving me helplessly scattered all over the floor. I still get those days and I’m not here to deny that yet, I can handle them better now. Afterall, I’m still alive! I somehow survived and because of that, I guess, I must be doing something right.

Next year will be another year for me yet, I’m not sure if I should excite myself. Yes, I’m getting over my incompatible year and I’m about to leave all unhealthy load this year. Yet, 2014 is another stranger. I would never know what it has for me until it comes around. Yet, come what may, I’ll work on it. I’ll perserveringly work on it. Though 2013 and I are not really getting along with each other well, I’m still gonna end this year right. I’m leaving all my lumps behind. I’m leaving all my unnecessary load. I’m leaving all everything I call nice yet, contributes nothing but never-ending betrayal and abandonment. I’m giving my little heart a break. I’m giving myself respect by walking away from piles of rusty gold. I’ve already gone through months of total bewilderness and I finally found myself. I missed myself lately and I missed a lot this year. I guess it’s just about time to let everything go for it’s better off my way than to be surrounded with fancy little stuff that doesn’t really wanna be there making me feel even more deserted.

2013 has been an everyday knock on the door — you never know what to expect!

 
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Posted by on December 30, 2013 in Lyrics of Life

 

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Weekly Writing Challenge: Truth Is Stranger Than Fiction

Weekly Writing Challenge: Truth Is Stranger Than Fiction

real moments

A real moment in time!  This is an old picture I uploaded on Facebook captured last June 29, 2011.  I was with my sister by heart but not biologically related best friend named Wilmzie with his brother, Chris who captured this caught-in-a-moment, self-detailed photo for without any warning, he just flipped his camera from its case and decided to take our picture in this not-sure-to-be-trusted place at night for some reported phone snatch scenes randomly occurred.

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It all started so funny for the three of us, so unplanned, unprepared, without any permission from the elders, decided to go to Enchanted Kingdom in Laguna, Philippines where all different kinds of Unlimited Rides of a lifetime can be found and enjoyed for the whole day.  So many things and unexpected events occurred along the way as we traveled to this nearby province just an hour and a half away up north Manila yet, we still managed to get there safely around three in the afternoon.

Then the magic began and the day started just right!

We enjoyed the whole day, taking unlimited pictures in almost every corner of the whole park and bravely taking breathtaking rides.

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We enjoyed the food as well and talk along the way.  Everything in there was already almost nearly perfect and though we arrived there late in the afternoon, we still all felt like we got there since morning and enjoyed the rest of the day.

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We did enjoy everything in there and the companionship of us, three as well.  We were like little kids running from one ride to another, laughing at one joke to another, eating from one store to another and living our lives like there was no tomorrow.  Bottomline is, it was all F-U-N!

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It’s already night when we left the place and commuted a provincial bus back to Manila and along the way, we’re still very happy.  A lot of talks and chit-chats and knickknacks on the other hand.

I happened to be the walking map at this one-day out and I somehow got confused on where to stop to get home.  Bravely I assumed I knew it all along and so we stopped at a certain bus stop.

As we got off the bus, I looked around and definitely, it’s EDSA, the main access road in the whole Metro Manila that takes a traveler from one city to another city within the metro.  I proudly said, “Yah, we’re here!  And all we need is just one more bus ride and we’re home.”  Then so I tried to call for a bus yet none of them stopped over.  There were a lot of buses passing us yet none of them even dared to look at us.

“That’s weird!”  I whispered then I looked around again and there I realized that we made a wrong stop.  The right one was still almost half a kilometer away which we needed to walk at that time.  I so hated it.  I hated it because it was my mistake.  I always hate making mistakes and above all, to suffer the consequences there is to take.  Worse was that, it even took us minutes for us me to realize it.

So there, we walked until we got to the right bus stop.  Wilmz and I realized where we were and felt a little chill right up our nape and so we not-obviously glanced our eyes to each other like pretending that we understood each other’s thought, and alertly looked around while waiting for the right bus.

real moments

Surprisingly, Chris, her brother, without any negative thought and unaware of the place, took his camera, positioned the lenses and was about to take our picture which startled us and made us unconsciously react in very different unprepared ways that got so lousily caught in the above picture.  Funny how we reacted that got captured in the very first undeniable photo for what we actually told him was “Huwag!” a Filipino word that means, “Don’t!”  That’s because there were a few passers-by anywhere and not to take the risk, one in a million chance, the camera may get snatched.

I’m not saying here that this certain place along EDSA is indeed a notorious place.  It’s only that time where random occurrences were reported almost every night.  This time, I even walk the place some time at night all alone and I no longer get scared as how the place used to scare me before.

So, that’s the story of this cannot-be-denied startled photo.  I didn’t really like it at first time for I was so unpretty on the capture yet, looking back over the years, well, I still looked so unpretty yet the photo itself was so honest and genuine.  It’s funny to look back right at that time yet, though without words, the picture alone is enough to tell the whole long story about the three good friends who traveled out-of-town so unprepared and unplanned.

 
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Posted by on March 6, 2013 in Weekly Writing Challenge

 

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The Feeling Is Mutual!

WHY DO A LOT of people act like you owe them something?  Why do a lot of people think that you have to walk on tip toe before them like they even deserve it?  Why do a lot of people get insecure when they see how happy you are now and that you’re no longer drowning in your yesterdays?  Why do a lot of people act like you owe them the time they spent in meeting you knowing that it’s you who made the effort of going to where you could meet her in the first place?  It’s not even halfway yet!

SOME WOULD REALLY think and believe that they’re always better than you.  That if they’re not happy, you should not, too.  I have already empathized on you a lot of times.  I even controlled my temper and gave you a benefit of the doubt just to help you feel good for you were undergoing a certain circumstance knowing that at those times, I was drowning in my depression as well.  I healed all within me.  I healed all by myself.  I healed all alone.  As much as possible I never bothered you nor anybody else when I was so down and depressed though I was nearly there and now that I was able to cope up, you’ll just simply throw me this face of shit?  I mean, what kind of friend are you?  Well, I shouldn’t have gone there in the first place so I wouldn’t have to observe and feel your insecurity.  Even just for one fuckin’ hour, you couldn’t even dare to fake!  All you think of is yourself.  All you care for are your feelings.  You only hear what you wanna hear.  At times you’re down, you want others to be on the same boat as you are.  It doesn’t mean that you’re losing, others should, too.  But you know what?  At those times when I was the one who’s down, where were you?  Of course, you’re just right there showing me how tired you were of comforting me.  That it was very contagious to promote a depressive atmosphere.

DON’T EXPECT ME to bend for I’ve already been there for several times now.  I’ve done that already and this time, it’s all over.  If you’re already tired, then that’s fine.  The feeling is just so mutual!

 
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Posted by on February 20, 2013 in The Avenue, The Episodes

 

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Weekly Writing Challenge: Characters

I’ve been through a lot in life that molded me into this person I have become.  Part of me turned all good while another part turned swayed and lost.  More likely my emotions for a lot happened in the past that had built me up emotions really unecessary and would contribute nothing but all waste and empty boxes in my life.  These emotions I don’t have any control of and I can hardly run away from.  These are the emotions of a Bipolar.  Yes, I am one and I’m no longer scared of facing it.  There are times though when it eats me in half and consumes me yet, I’m forcing myself to live my life one day at a time.

Today, I’m writing for the most wonderful person in my life who contributed so much on how to live my life and how to become a better person.  This person took me for who I really am and not for whom she wished I was nor for what she could benefit out of me.  This person plays a very important role in my life with all her beautiful and unique way of showing me her love, inner soul and intentions.  This person never got tired of me and I know in the end, when all has gone and all that’s left is just me and my broken hands, she’s gonna be there to pick me up and lend me hers.

Mama and IThis beautiful person is my mother, Mrs. Teresita “Tessie” Deveraturda-Pil, who gave me life and brought me all the beauty in the world.  She’s been my bestfriend, teacher, nurse and adviser for ever since my life in this big city started, she’s been very supportive and never missed any of my ups and downs, accomplishments and downfall, and all my normal days and my manic-depressive episodes.  Even way before it all started, she’s already there and even now and I do know that even after it all ends, she’s still gonna be there for me.  At times, I cry in resentment and denial for what life brought me, she’s always got this unique way of reaching out to me delivering her ever sweet motherly words, “I’m always here for you my little girl!” though she’s not actually saying it at all.  She’s got this unique way of beng there for me at times I need her the most though she’s actually miles away.  She’s always got this unique way of waking my inner will to live my life and convince me not to jump off the cliff at times I’m at the bayside al wet and crying all alone in the middle of the night as rain pours down the whole city ready to end my life for it brings me nothing but all these undying emotions and failures to live as the daughter she deserved to have.  These are the times my bipolarism hit me down the cracks grinding me with all my undying emotions and unquiet mind.  Though she’s not physically there with me, she really never got tired of winning me back like she’s really there with me, pulling me back to the ground and holding me tightly crying and saying, “Just come back home to me for I dearly need you, my dear daughter!”  She’s always wanted to come over to be here for me it’s just that, both of us just cannot afford it.

MamaI know her struggle everyday and everytime she hears that I’m having my episodes again and I’ve always wanted to heal and change and become a better daughter for she doesn’t deserve this but I just can’t help it.  I can’t fight all these depressions.  It surely takes one true effort to fight it and most of the times, I just get won over.

One day, I’ll be back to the old beautiful days.  One day, I’ll be that little girl she used to hold and walk around the town all dressed in preppy clothes and red ribbons.  One day, I’ll make my mother sincerely happy and satisfied of her elderly life because I’m back whole again.  One day, I’ll be the one assisting her more than how she has assisted me on how to live my life all this time.  One day, even just for an hour or a lousy minute, one day, I’ll be a perfect daughter.  I have no idea of what tomorrow brings me.  I could die anytime.  I could die later, in a while, or tomorrow, but all I know is that, on that day, I’ll live.

This is an entry for WordPress.com Weekly Writing Challenge: Characters, “This week’s writing challenge: Tell us about a character in your life. It could be your best friend, your partner, your child, or even your third grade teacher. With as much detail as possible, make this person real for us. Tell us more than what they look like or how you met. Let us know what their laugh sounds like, or that oddball quirk that makes this person so unique.”

 
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Posted by on February 13, 2013 in The Avenue, Weekly Writing Challenge

 

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