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Tag Archives: emotions

When the Bow Breaks

This eerie feeling is so undeniable. I can now feel the bumper hitting my side. I’m getting this creepy chill as I am fully aware of the reality that I’m currently in motion, feeling my body flying momentarily in the air, seeing the lights drawing distance. I am so caught in the momentum as I am now anticipating my hurtful crash.

Then finally, the gravity pulls me down hard, hitting the ground with all my weight, throwing all my multiple gypsy neck accessories off my body, scattering all tiny beads and apparels off in every direction, and feeling some bones cracking from the inside and tissues ripping from the outside. I am so aware of how rough the road is as I rub and shovel myself off against the asphalt, and tear some skin off especially on my bony corner parts.

Then, at last, I have come to a halt.

There is silence. I cannot hear anything. I cannot move. I cannot speak. I can do nothing. I cannot even think. My thoughts just escaped ten seconds ago; and now, it’s null. It’s blank. It’s void. There is nothing at all.

I guess that’s it. That is all it. That is just how it goes.

I’m dead.

I just died.

I cannot believe that I’m all right here, standing still, watching my own cold body lying on the ground. This part of me is what I have not prepared for.

Duh, as if like it happens everyday!

Dead bodies are not what we get to see everyday, as to coffins are not one of those domestic decorations we see in regular houses on regular occasions.

It’s not like a lousy bump on the knee as we stupidly walk over a table; or, flipping a leg over as we pay less attention that the staircase has one more step, which we forget to step on.

The brains are the body as the emotions are the soul. It takes authenticity to see the soul through the eyes. Silence is therapeutic as it tames the unquiet mind yet, also deadly as it kills the tormented heart.

Big drops of rain keep pelting on my cold, lifeless, icy face as the darkened sky mercilessly drown me. I drown myself in, stirring it all in, struggling for it, hoping that I could bring myself back to life; but, guess what? I never did.

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Posted by on October 9, 2017 in The Avenue

 

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My Emerald in the Sand

My Emerald in the Sand

I took a trip one day,
In a place I least expected;
When there’s just nothing else to say —
As time felt like reverted.

The roads sizzled in Summer,
And, the air just burned my skin;
The days were long, the nights were longer —
As tomorrow was unforeseen.

Then I saw you there sitting alone,
Surprised by this everlasting turmoil;
Your luscious green, your vivid tone —
My emerald, you just simply pleased this Arabian soil.

You might have wondered,
For what brought you here;
For there’s just nothing you’ve discovered —
But the sand, the air, and the sky so clear.

Yet, this arid soil was amazed as you came,
Together with the doves on the dates;
For every day for them was lame and the same —
At least, finding something new compensates.

My sluggish soul was pleased as well,
As I completely stopped and stare;
You are the first I saw in my life, I would tell —
For you are the rarest among all colors fair.

Among all colors, you are seriously rare,
For you turn more vibrant in happiness, anger and excitement;
As the rich color of green that you bear —
Captures attention and unexpected denouement.

Yet you visually play with colors, too,
In a room in the night when the lights are dim;
You play this trick from green to blue —
Like the sky, that’s just how you seem.

But, somewhat lately, I just have to say,
The color I adore, no longer comes my way;
For your luscious green just turned dull gray —
By sadness and irritations that lined up your array.

You don’t deserve this!
Just none of it all,
For no harm you could ever make;
To put out your brightness
As you’re taken control —
Over, that was a big mistake.

You suffered in pain,
You suffered in tears,
This was not what you came for;
The green turned gray,
My precious emerald —
What more are you looking for?

This place may not be for you,
As for you may not be for this place;
For your luscious green in Springtime due —
Are being buried just to disgrace.

This price is high!
It’s not for you,
Yet, they ought to get you in a show;
If be like this, everyday you’ll cry —
Then I would rather let you go.

If I could just somehow share your pain,
I, for sure, have now made my way;
For I missed you, my emerald —
I simply miss you everyday.

Well, I guess, that’s it!
That is all it,
Not everything comes for free;
I shouldn’t wonder,
My emerald in the sand —
One day, I will no longer get to see.

I took a trip one day,
In a place I least expected;
When there’s just nothing else to say
But, “Hi!” —
Then precious emerald turned to me,
And, a beautiful friendship started.

 
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Posted by on February 1, 2017 in Lyrics of Life

 

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The Feeling Is Mutual!

WHY DO A LOT of people act like you owe them something?  Why do a lot of people think that you have to walk on tip toe before them like they even deserve it?  Why do a lot of people get insecure when they see how happy you are now and that you’re no longer drowning in your yesterdays?  Why do a lot of people act like you owe them the time they spent in meeting you knowing that it’s you who made the effort of going to where you could meet her in the first place?  It’s not even halfway yet!

SOME WOULD REALLY think and believe that they’re always better than you.  That if they’re not happy, you should not, too.  I have already empathized on you a lot of times.  I even controlled my temper and gave you a benefit of the doubt just to help you feel good for you were undergoing a certain circumstance knowing that at those times, I was drowning in my depression as well.  I healed all within me.  I healed all by myself.  I healed all alone.  As much as possible I never bothered you nor anybody else when I was so down and depressed though I was nearly there and now that I was able to cope up, you’ll just simply throw me this face of shit?  I mean, what kind of friend are you?  Well, I shouldn’t have gone there in the first place so I wouldn’t have to observe and feel your insecurity.  Even just for one fuckin’ hour, you couldn’t even dare to fake!  All you think of is yourself.  All you care for are your feelings.  You only hear what you wanna hear.  At times you’re down, you want others to be on the same boat as you are.  It doesn’t mean that you’re losing, others should, too.  But you know what?  At those times when I was the one who’s down, where were you?  Of course, you’re just right there showing me how tired you were of comforting me.  That it was very contagious to promote a depressive atmosphere.

DON’T EXPECT ME to bend for I’ve already been there for several times now.  I’ve done that already and this time, it’s all over.  If you’re already tired, then that’s fine.  The feeling is just so mutual!

 
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Posted by on February 20, 2013 in The Avenue, The Episodes

 

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The Lightened Candle!

the lightened candleCIRCUMSTANCES LATELY AROUSED that contributed to my current pot of downfall and these circumstances were just random occurrences of totally different unfortunate events.  They worsen my melancholic air where I can hardly breathe anymore.  Things are no longer smooth and my roads are now forever winding.  My walk is now even longer and my path is now even more rough.  Though how I keep on working on my track to smoothen it, I guess it’s just not gonna work afterall for mistakes have already been made and I can never be retracted anymore.  Yet, I still force to work on it though how impossible it is now.

I GOT A LOT OF THINGS to do and I still got a lot of words to say but all else is now empty where I can just simply throw them all out of the window yet, I still choose to keep them and not lose hope on them.  It’s gonna be my last shot and right after, I can then just give up.  I’m not seeing myself winning this battle anyway for it’s never near to possibilities anymore.  I just need to surpass this at least and surpassing is really taking forever.

FOR QUESTIONS NOW ARISE everywhere, from my own unquiet mind to my own land but I’m not providing answers yet.  What I’m providing right now is a commitment sincerely coming from my own rebel heart.  I have no trust issues yet those who surround me already have against me but I’m not paying attention.  Not now.  All I need this time is one last shot.  Just one time.  To ask for it may be too much.  It may be too selfish but I want to have it today and let me just cultivate it in the process.  I will earn it in the process as I go through all these.  It’s what I really need this time or else, my whole life will just be nothing but a empty suitcase.  Let me work on it in the process.  Just one last shot and that’s it.

I’VE ALREADY LOST A LOT and I’m still losing more and counting but I just cannot afford to lose this.  Give it to me.  Even just this and I’ll be forever grateful to the world.  I’ll be forever grateful that I’m still given this chance to live my life.  And I’ll really fight a very hopeless battle just to prove that that little lousy chance I’m asking for is never the biggest mistake ever given to me.  I’ll work on it everyday.  I’ll live my life one day at a time as time to will go by until I surpass this tremendous battle I’m having right now.  I’m already tired and so as those watching me but I’ll force myself not to be for this for them not be left in despair and as well, this is just the only shot I got left.

 
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Posted by on February 9, 2013 in The Avenue

 

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Beautiful People Don’t Just Happen!

orchidsBEAUTY IS DIFFERENTLY DEFINED by a philosopher as differently as of the rhymer while the beholder literally defines it.  But how should beauty be really defined?  From what should it be based on?  In which angle should you look at?

IT’S NOT JUST THE FACE that others see right through a person.  It’s not just the eyes, the lips nor the smiles that attract others.  It’s not just the haircut nor the lip-on that shine with the sun.  It’s not just the overall elegance that catches people’s attention.  There are some others who are physically pretty yet heartfully corrupted where intentions are overted by the behavior they manifest as these some others befriend her for the things they could benefit from and when there’s nothing left to take advantage of, they drop her right at the borderline as they throw a punchline that is deliberately anti-climax.  They just lend their ears once, twice and thrice would be enough for them to get allergic of her.  They may listen but they will not understand instead, will use it against her.  They meet her down the line and stab her at the back.  Looking at their point for at times she gets her episodes, she’s sad, depressed, irritable, mostly easily gets irritated of simple things, uncomfortable of being with for she reiterates things over and over again.  At times she feels like laughing, she just all in a sudden bursts down in tears and gets angry of something she’s not even sure of what she’s angry of.  She’s usually misinterpreted.  These some others who happened to be the normal individuals, those who are not manic-depressive, those have no disorders, those who are not Bipolar, will never understand her instead, they move away from her because she just adds up to their lumps and contribute irritants to their day.  She’s not fun to be with and they just cannot afford to give way to her all the time.  They live their lives at their own pace and they’re moving on while here she is, nailed down to depression over and over and over again.  She keeps on forcing to drive her wheels off yet, it’s already a cycle and it just happens anytime.

DESPITE ALL THAT, she still chooses to live.  She still fights her own battle and though life hits her down the dumps a lot of times, though alone, she still dusts herself off and pulls herself together.  One thing she learned in this battle, is that, she’s still human.  She’s even more human than all those some others dressed in preppy clothes and normally act and live their lives.  She’s more human because she has the will and the way to fight against her own endless battles though she’s fighting against her own unquiet mind.  As she undergoes these series of manic episodes, she slowly understands her own cycle and what other possible worse scenarios she may experience as days go by.  She slowly learns how to adjust to people and above all, to take herself for whoever she is and not for whom others wish her to be.  Through all these, she has now clearly defined what her minds are capable of and what her heart is limited to.  She has now fully defined the inner depth of her mind and how deep she could think and recall, how powerful her mind at times it mandates her of what to do and how her heart lovingly fights against all these insistence of the mind.  Her mind thinks of its own while her heart was able to mold a little instinct of its own, too.  Both of them act differently and they can hardly be controlled of leaving her helpless and fearful at times yet, despite all that, a strong will somehow within her wins her back at times she’s almost there.

THIS IS ALREADY a permanent struggle and she will always fight to win this hopeless battle.  Though she ends up questioning her life’s purpose, for why she’s still born in this life if this is what she’ll just become gifted with mania yet, cursed with depression and always being dependent on pills and medication, she’s still able to withdraw it for she knows that she dearly understands others who struggle in their own lives, too.  In just a look in the eye, she already feels exactly how they feel.  If there’s one thing she learned from this condition, it’s unerstanding others though how difficult they are to understand.  She may not just be alone in this world for there are still million others who suffer like her.  There may be million others who hide themselves on shelves scared of being judged and misinterpreted.  There may be million others who keep fighting everyday as another million others die every second as people from masquerade jump from behind their back and stab them with their sharp tongue.

WORDS COULD KILL a person.  Words could push her off the cliff.  Words could be powerful enough to end her life in just a snap of a finger.  Words could kill faster than cancer.

NOW, HOW SHOULD BEAUTY be really defined?  From what should it be based on?  In which angle should you look at?  As to say that psychiatrist, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, once wrote, “The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.” Yes, in deed.  Beautiful people don’t just happen — they’re designed!

 
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Posted by on February 9, 2013 in Lyrics of Life

 

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The Chime!

wind_chimes-fullTHIS FEELING WHEN I wake up in the afternoon for my graveyard shift restless like I never slept at all though I did sleep the whole day.  This day when everything seems to come back to invade me leaving me tired and horrified.  This feeling when fears are coming through consuming me which I don’t even know where they come from.  They just surface from within out of nowhere.  I don’t even know what trigger them but more often than not they just arrive without further notice.  Once they’re in me, I can no longer help but get scared of everything I don’t even know what I’m scared of.  It happens most of the time if not everyday.  All in 9 seconds they just come through.  I no longer understand what’s going on.  It’s like even the ground I’m standing on seems like wants to eat me alive.  Same feeling I’ve been feeling since I was a little girl every 5:30 in the afternoon.  It happened right after fire broke out in the neighborhood.  The fear used to happen once in several months and my mother would hold me saying, “It’s okay” after I tell her that I’m scared.  Now it’s getting worse.  It now happens almost everyday and in a day it happens several times and stay longer than usual like about an hour or three.  This was not who I was before.  It’s been decades since the last time I had this horrific feeling.  Though I get those days that scare me but not as worse as this and now, I don’t even know myself anymore.  I keep losing my ground and I don’t even know if there’s still anything else in this world worse than this.  I don’t even know when this will stop from surfacing from within.  I don’t even know which part of me is scared.  I don’t even know what I’m scared of.  I don’t even know what triggered it, when could have it started, or what keeps on triggering it.  It just happens.

 
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Posted by on January 24, 2013 in The Episodes

 

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