Tag Archives: death

When the Bow Breaks

This eerie feeling is so undeniable. I can now feel the bumper hitting my side. I’m getting this creepy chill as I am fully aware of the reality that I’m currently in motion, feeling my body flying momentarily in the air, seeing the lights drawing distance. I am so caught in the momentum as I am now anticipating my hurtful crash.

Then finally, the gravity pulls me down hard, hitting the ground with all my weight, throwing all my multiple gypsy neck accessories off my body, scattering all tiny beads and apparels off in every direction, and feeling some bones cracking from the inside and tissues ripping from the outside. I am so aware of how rough the road is as I rub and shovel myself off against the asphalt, and tear some skin off especially on my bony corner parts.

Then, at last, I have come to a halt.

There is silence. I cannot hear anything. I cannot move. I cannot speak. I can do nothing. I cannot even think. My thoughts just escaped ten seconds ago; and now, it’s null. It’s blank. It’s void. There is nothing at all.

I guess that’s it. That is all it. That is just how it goes.

I’m dead.

I just died.

I cannot believe that I’m all right here, standing still, watching my own cold body lying on the ground. This part of me is what I have not prepared for.

Duh, as if like it happens everyday!

Dead bodies are not what we get to see everyday, as to coffins are not one of those domestic decorations we see in regular houses on regular occasions.

It’s not like a lousy bump on the knee as we stupidly walk over a table; or, flipping a leg over as we pay less attention that the staircase has one more step, which we forget to step on.

The brains are the body as the emotions are the soul. It takes authenticity to see the soul through the eyes. Silence is therapeutic as it tames the unquiet mind yet, also deadly as it kills the tormented heart.

Big drops of rain keep pelting on my cold, lifeless, icy face as the darkened sky mercilessly drown me. I drown myself in, stirring it all in, struggling for it, hoping that I could bring myself back to life; but, guess what? I never did.

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Posted by on October 9, 2017 in The Avenue


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Its Loneliest Tick

Its Loneliest Tick

“There is loneliness in this world, so great that you can see it in the slow movement of the hands of the clock.” — Charles Bukowski

It’s the intangible sensation that creeps beneath your skin, surfacing out, thrilling your nerves with unbearable chill.  It’s the undefined emotion that sculls your fear through the waves of your mind.  It’s the unsolicited presentiment that rooms into your thought, clearing all your mind’s furniture of sanity.  It’s that moment when hope abandons you, as fear torments you.

It’s dark.  Night-dark.  Casket-dark.  Darkest dark your vision could ever recognize.  It fuels the forever restless engine, sitting, rusting down the pit of the unmapped space of your heart.  It unlocks your forced-lock fear like vampires disturbed and awakened from their deep sleep down the deepest part of the dungeon by a single drop of fresh blood.  It skulls into your mind picture after picture of fangs, claws and misshapened shadows.  It shrinks your heart into an impossible fold where you cringe yourself in fear and sorrow.  You cower yourself exceedingly small as you keep watching over crawlies underneath your bed.  It feeds from your loneliest memory of the past.

It ticks, and it never stops.

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Posted by on March 24, 2017 in The Avenue


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My Forelsket: A Bittersweet Remembrance of Love

My Forelsket: A Bittersweet Remembrance of Love

Late post: 2nd March 2017

My Forelsket: A Bittersweet Remembrance of Love
Your brains were the sexiest part of you, as your heart was worth the love.

I set sail on the expanse of your mind, as you braved yourself enough to enter my storm.

I dived into the deepest abyss of your being, as you loved the size of my waves.

You amused me with your intellectual capacity, as I impressed you with my words.

You relished the love in my soul through coffee shop dates, as I moved your heart with my love letters.
I fell in love with your brains as I fell in love with your heart.

I fell in love with your heart as I fell in love with your soul.

I fell in love with your soul as I fell in love with your love for me.

I fell in love with your love for me as I fell in love with you.

My Love,
On this day, I once again visit you in this little nook in my heart where you peacefully rest as you stay with me forever.

I once again feel the strong grip of your hand holding mine.

I once again feel your amaranthine love right at the very center of my heart.

The same day I last heard your voice calling my name from the deepest lobe of my brains.
Among the phosphenes that I see as I rub my eyes off from tears, your eesome face surfaces as all our beautiful past reverberates.

Yet, unlike before, your memories now bring me smiles instead of sorrow, peace instead of grief, and love instead of mourn.

Though tears of loneliness still fill my tristful heart.

Yes, they still flow; just not as often as before.
It’s been a year now since you went away yet, my love for you remains exactly the same as the first day.

Until the day we meet again, I will keep writing you short letters, and will keep sending them up to the Moon.

I hope you would take a trip, and pick them up.
I missed you so much;

And, I love you, too!
Rest now, my Love.

May you find peace with God Almighty;

And, may I find the strength to let you go.

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Posted by on March 24, 2017 in Lyrics of Life


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Daily Prompt: Childhood Revisited

my twin sisterGONE ARE THE FAIRY TALES. Gone are the princess dreams. Gone are the tea parties, barbie dolls, bear and monkey friends. Gone are the hide-and-seek days and imaginary friends. Gone are the high school secrets and pajama nights. The boisterous laughs, funny faces, sister languages, and finishing of each other’s sentences. The holding of hands in going to school, the dances in the rain and the every morning squat because when we’re halfway for school we run back.

I’VE BEEN BLOGGING HERE for quite awhile now for myself all about my unpredictable moodswings, and undying emotions.  This time, let me now take my time to introduce to my co-bloggers and to the whole world my other half, my soul mate, and my ever beloved little “Wiwi” who were born on this earth with me – my twin sister, Tuesday Pil!  Wi, GOD knows how much I missed you!  It bounces all the way up to the moon and bangs all the way down to the dust.  In every single day I’m living half alive.  GOD knows how much I wish you were here.  I dearly miss you everyday.  I even miss you more than anybody else in the world.  If it would just take a thousand nickles to be tossed in a wishing well just to get you back, damn, I surely would for you were my comfort zone and my protective shield.  You were my dreams, my home and my life.  You were my best at times myself was my worst.  Only the earth is our living witness of how we were before.  Since we came into this earth together, we swore to kiss this earth good-bye together as well and I definitely know that it was never that day yet you never listened.  If the world just stood still, I could have kept you yet though how many years I keep crying, I know that I can never bring you back anymore yet you always know that you can always take me with you, but even now you’re not doing it.  And because of this, the 2nd of July has always been so cruel to the heart.  It pierces me in half, turning my skin inside-out for all our beautiful past reverberates shredding me down into million pieces.  If only I could re-live my life, I would always want to be July Pil again for I could never trade my fifteen years of being with you; not even for the rest of my life and for what I have become.

WI, YOU KNOW THAT I WOULD LONG for you forever until the time comes when we become whole again.  And on that day, mine would be the happiest soul there’ll ever be.  It’s been twelve years now and I know how happy you are now with GOD and that’s the happiness I can never give you but, oh dear!  Don’t you think it’s just too early to leave me behind?  I know where heaven is but I just don’t know how to get there.  I’ve been dying everyday missing you, loving you, and a thousand scars surfaced from my inner wound yet, I’ve been trying to live my life the best that I can so when these days are over and I may neither win nor lose my battles, and all I’ll be left out is nothing but my broken hands, you’ll be there to lend me yours and take me with you forever.  I have no idea where you always go but I’m already with you.

I’VE BUILT YOU A CASTLE OF LOVE where a torch is unquenchably lit so you can comfortably rest and stay with me forever.  May you rest in my heart and feel my every heartbeat loving you.

Daily Prompt: Childhood Revisited

Sure, you turned out pretty good, but is there anything you wish had been different about your childhood? If you have kids, is there anything you wish were different for them?

The above the article was a humble entry for the above linked writing challenge. Click on the link for more details.

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Posted by on February 10, 2013 in Daily Prompt, Lyrics of Life


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The Longest Seconds Of My Life — DROWNING!

The SlideDO NOT BREATHE!  It was and only it was — the very idea that entered my mind right at that very moment.  It came too fast way before I even thought of it.  It came too fast way before I even wondered why I should.  It could be that my brain cells were very well connected right at that time.  It could be that the smallest voice beneath my conscious lobe whispered it gently yet I just haven’t realized it.  Or, it could be the instinct of being human that took over and not my brains.

I just found myself tossing to and fro in an all-blue soft mass which I knew that time I was touching it but I just can’t hold it.  It felt so soft and jelly as it passed through my fingers.  The more I tried to feel it, the more it’s getting away.  It felt a little warm as it playfully passed through my palms.  Then I realized I was feeling it around my legs, shoulders, head and all over my body like it’s getting a hold of me.

It was water.  It was all water.  I was underwater.  I kept glancing left and right looking for the sky.  “I need to see the sky!”  My inner voice kept whispering.  I really needed to see the sky.  I knew I would recognize it once I see it.  It’s just that I couldn’t see it.  Water was all around me.  I didn’t even know which way to turn yet all I knew was that I was still there, very alive.  No matter how I fully opened my eyes, all I saw was water and blue which I already confused myself if it’s the floor, the walls or it’s just it.  I was already running out of air.  I was already losing my breath.

Panic now invaded my heart very fast that I already lost my way of thinking.  I even slightly opened my mouth to shout for help which made me lose air even more.  It was such a wrong move and I couldn’t believe I did it.  Then I remembered that one of my cousins was standing just by the pool while the rest of them were way above the starting line waiting for their turns to take a slide like what I did.  I was thinking, “Ah, maybe my cousin will jump into the water because I was already drowning.”  But I was not expecting her to do so because, who would expect? I was hoping that one of those people swimming in the pool would notice me yet I was giving up the idea because — who cares anyway?  They didn’t even know me!  I kept my eyes open yet I still see the same thing.  I could hear static drowning sound of exciting laughs from the crowd and the undeniable long constant buzzing sound underwater.

I guess that’s it!  Life is just so awesome afterall.  Life is a one-exciting ride.  Life is a slide of a lifetime.  I never knew what it’s really like until such time it gave me a hit.  I got the hit.  I really did.  I didn’t feel the need for air anymore.  It was like I already had enough in my lungs.  Its like the motor that kept running suddenly stopped working.  Panic was now gone as depression took over.

“My life is a mess!”  It’s how I’ve been considering it since late last year.  I won several battles yet I lost a lot.  I’d gone up several times yet I was usually down.  I’ve moved from job to job, friend to friend, humps to cliffs.  And my work, my health, my credit card, my family, even my heart and my marriage to all these overloaded, endless bills and overwhelming family obligations – yeah wow!  I was such an empty box, an empty chair, an empty cup.  I was never filled in and if I was, I just dried up so easily.  All these heavy loads drowned me even more.  And now I’m gonna watch them all circle the drain.

I can make them stop.  I had to make them stop.  Then so I stopped!  I stopped from glancing for the sky.  I stopped from hoping to see a hand to grab me out of here.  I stopped from holding my breath.  One depressive thought conquered my mind saying, “Sige nalang!” which means, “Alright then!”  I knew that time that life only comes once and then it’s over.  I knew that time I still had my whole family to take care with and that I was sent to this world for a reason; but that crucial, very scary depressive line was too strong.  It didn’t even give me a fight.

As I started to breath, one big, male, Filipino-skin-toned right hand, reached out to me, which I quickly grabbed with my left. I can hardly move my right hand anymore for some reason, yet I managed to push myself upward.  And the force was too strong that he was able to pull me up.

At last, the sky!  I’d never seen it so blue.  I’d never seen it so beautiful.  The sun.  I never felt it so warm.  And the air.  I’d never appreciated it until I got my head out of the water.  I inhaled like I’d never inhaled before.  Then I started coughing all the water out of my lungs.  It felt so extremely relieving.  I can even feel the water rising from my heavy lungs.  My eyes were now swelling and watery for I kept coughing all along.  Breathing was painful yet it felt so humane.

Once I got myself back, I looked up to the man who lent me his hand.  He was smiling with his eyes slightly squinting from the sun.  Sincerity was all over his face.  Then I said in a dropped tone, “Thank you!”  Then I looked back at him and said, “I truly thank you!”  I was still catching my breath and coughing when I suddenly felt scared and just wanted to burst out in tears as I explored his face.  Right at that time — his was the most beautiful face I’ve seen.  The world was the most beautiful place I’ve been.  And my life was the most beautiful event ever happened.  I will never forget that face.

This all happened last Easter Sunday.  The day Lord Jesus Christ rose from the dead.  The day the world was redeemed as sins were forgiven.  It’s the day of second chance.  It’s the day of a new life.  It’s the day of a new beginning.  It’s the day I was reborn!

It’s been four days now yet it just seems like awhile ago for me.  I can still very well see the underwater.  I can still very well hear the long constant sound of depression and losing hope.  I can still very well feel the pain of holding my breath for a very long unexpected time.  So as the pain of filling my lungs with water.  I can still very well feel the thrill of breathing, craving for life — the thrill of my first breath.

Looking at it now, I still can’t believe I was able to get out of there.  And I can never believe how I just gave up for life so easily.  After all these years, I just gave up just like that!  Everytime I recall it, a sudden formless thrill occupies my heart.  It’s something heavy.  It’s lonely and fearful.  This scary feeling keeps me up in the night.  That very moment keeps coming back to me in dreams and the awkward feeling of being haunted keeps me awake.  I cry myself in the night.  I cry in resentment.  It was never a crash and burn story.  It really was scary.  It was a struck of life.  It was a struck of time.  Just few seconds late and I could have died.  It could be the reason I called my mother early morning before we left for the get-together.  I just checked on her because I already had an anxious feeling that too much happiness may cost a lot.  Yes, it cost a lot.  It nearly cost my life!

God is truly good.  He gave me adequately.  He came in His least expected figure.  At the time nothing’s left out of me but my broken hands, He lent me His and saved me from my pool of broken dreams.  He never came too early nor too late.  And I’ll say it again — HE DID NOT COME TOO EARLY NOR TOO LATE!

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Posted by on April 11, 2012 in The Avenue


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