Posted by Movingnotion via Android
Category Archives: The Episodes
WHY DO A LOT of people act like you owe them something? Why do a lot of people think that you have to walk on tip toe before them like they even deserve it? Why do a lot of people get insecure when they see how happy you are now and that you’re no longer drowning in your yesterdays? Why do a lot of people act like you owe them the time they spent in meeting you knowing that it’s you who made the effort of going to where you could meet her in the first place? It’s not even halfway yet!
SOME WOULD REALLY think and believe that they’re always better than you. That if they’re not happy, you should not, too. I have already empathized on you a lot of times. I even controlled my temper and gave you a benefit of the doubt just to help you feel good for you were undergoing a certain circumstance knowing that at those times, I was drowning in my depression as well. I healed all within me. I healed all by myself. I healed all alone. As much as possible I never bothered you nor anybody else when I was so down and depressed though I was nearly there and now that I was able to cope up, you’ll just simply throw me this face of shit? I mean, what kind of friend are you? Well, I shouldn’t have gone there in the first place so I wouldn’t have to observe and feel your insecurity. Even just for one fuckin’ hour, you couldn’t even dare to fake! All you think of is yourself. All you care for are your feelings. You only hear what you wanna hear. At times you’re down, you want others to be on the same boat as you are. It doesn’t mean that you’re losing, others should, too. But you know what? At those times when I was the one who’s down, where were you? Of course, you’re just right there showing me how tired you were of comforting me. That it was very contagious to promote a depressive atmosphere.
DON’T EXPECT ME to bend for I’ve already been there for several times now. I’ve done that already and this time, it’s all over. If you’re already tired, then that’s fine. The feeling is just so mutual!
WHAT’S CRUCIAL in life is not to know where it leads you. Seeing the world from afar is too vague. It’s a maze of ups and downs. It’s an intersection of chances. It’s a long empty bench of waiting. What’s challenging is that, it’s like a wonder of who’s behind a yawning door. It’s like finding a penny in your empty pocket; and, it’s like the air that thrills you as it startles your stomach.
DREAMS DO come true. Poet says. They very well express it in rhymes. But, why are mine hiding behind my shadow? Why are mine tumbling down in my throat as I inhale this losing smoke? Why do I keep losing them everytime I almost get a grip of them? I’m sitting here empty-handed with all my thoughts escaping from my sub-conscious. Actually, I don’t know where they are from. They just come out of nowhere invading my mind, creating thoughts of downfall and regrets. I’m going down. I’m sinking on this empty chair. I’m losing all I got left. I’m giving up from all the illusions I selfishly created.
I ONCE BELIEVED that the world was a bowl of dreams that come true. Maybe it really is. It just doesn’t work for me. Or, my dreams are just too grandeur to come to life. If I deform my dreams, will they work this time? If I degrade them a level lower, will they be feasible? Maybe. Just maybe. Just like fashion that doesn’t work for me. Just like perfumes that wouldn’t work for my body chemistry. I’ve had a lot and I’ve tried a lot but they all ended up having me shredded like paper trash.
THIS FEELING WHEN I wake up in the afternoon for my graveyard shift restless like I never slept at all though I did sleep the whole day. This day when everything seems to come back to invade me leaving me tired and horrified. This feeling when fears are coming through consuming me which I don’t even know where they come from. They just surface from within out of nowhere. I don’t even know what trigger them but more often than not they just arrive without further notice. Once they’re in me, I can no longer help but get scared of everything I don’t even know what I’m scared of. It happens most of the time if not everyday. All in 9 seconds they just come through. I no longer understand what’s going on. It’s like even the ground I’m standing on seems like wants to eat me alive. Same feeling I’ve been feeling since I was a little girl every 5:30 in the afternoon. It happened right after fire broke out in the neighborhood. The fear used to happen once in several months and my mother would hold me saying, “It’s okay” after I tell her that I’m scared. Now it’s getting worse. It now happens almost everyday and in a day it happens several times and stay longer than usual like about an hour or three. This was not who I was before. It’s been decades since the last time I had this horrific feeling. Though I get those days that scare me but not as worse as this and now, I don’t even know myself anymore. I keep losing my ground and I don’t even know if there’s still anything else in this world worse than this. I don’t even know when this will stop from surfacing from within. I don’t even know which part of me is scared. I don’t even know what I’m scared of. I don’t even know what triggered it, when could have it started, or what keeps on triggering it. It just happens.
FEAR INVADE ME like tons of warriors breaking down the Wall of China. It cramps me in making me invisible making me like I no longer exists. It drives me through this vast vagueness of darkness where I can no longer see myself. It peeps through this tiny little hole corrupting every edge of me killing me inside very slowly where the endless pain is the only constant variable I can recognize. I reckon it again until the pain numbs my heart and I can no longer feel my heartbeat for it’s already corrupted, consumed leaving me exhausted making me count my life and just simply wait, anticipate for the end seems so near yet it torments me forever. I anticipate my life counting every second rushing through leaving me breathless and all these pains are now so unbearable glaring all these horrors in my mind creating me small little pictures of how it might end. The end is near and I obviously feel it yet it seems so far as these pains go on consuming me, constantly provoking me to anticipate it. It’s stronger than all these principles that molded in as a human being. It’s stronger than all these changes that occur around me. It’s stronger that it just simply wipes my life out maneuvering it making me restless as I watch myself seeing my life fastly changing all in 9 seconds. I’m already anticipating it’s end yet I’m still fighting and dying to live. I’m forcing myself to win this hopeless battle where I fight with myself and my mind. My heart keeps beating faster yet I’m not sure how long it may last.
UNTIL WHEN SHOULD I keep fighting? Until the time comes when nothing will be left out of my wound? Until the time comes when nothing will be left out of me but my broken hands? Life is at stake. Life is a count. Life is just so awesome and I do know that but life is unbearable, too. This road I keep tracking on repeats itself in cycle where I’m already tired of passing through. It’s so unbearable and I’m no longer seeing it all. I can’t keep tracking this road forever. As days go by, they get worse. I just don’t know how to start it because everytime I head myself to the other side, it always take me to the same spot.
I’M STILL SITTING ON this losing edge of this empty bench where I keep waiting, waiting, waiting for something I don’t even know what it is. Despite all that, I’m still not losing it in me. I’m still not losing it for right in the middle of this blinding face of darkness, there’s still a very tiny spot somewhere within me, too small to notice, that’s left out unconquered and softly surfaces at the eleventh hour where I badly need it making me human again.
AFTERALL, I still survive!
WHEN YOU WISH to run and got nowhere to go. When you wish to get through it and nothing just figures. When you wish all is well and everything just turned so not the way you planned it. When you wish all just passes and the world seemed to have just stopped all over you. When you wish you could run your thoughts and all that comes into your senses are horrific scenes. When you wish you could feel better when all that surface in you are all disturbing emotions dominantly inviting you, consuming you, making it difficult to control.
IF I COULD JUST get a hold of all my undying emotions to lessen the gravity yet all that happens is that, my emotions get a hold of me peeling me thinly breaking my every bone, destroying my inner wall making me unstable shaking right on my very ground. If I could just write everything I have within and set them all free yet all that happens is that, they write all over me, engraving me in with the tiniest pain I can no longer yell about making me pierces all over my body drawing blood from my every wound scarring me with failures and broken dreams. If I could just lose all these soft voices from within hushing, whispering, saying, commanding, getting a dominance all over me creating tiny little pictures all over my mind making me lose the sense of time leaving my current situation throwing mirage all over my looking glass. If I could just stop from entertaining all these vibes which just surface from nowhere within me destructing my mood too strong to control promoting depression giving me fears I can not understand of which about triggering my eyes to tear all suddenly at my least expected time.
I WANNA RUN, leave, travel to a place I’ve never gone yet and do nothing but just simply enjoy the moment of moving, getting on the road, just all by myself without anything to think of, without worrying about the things I left behind, without worrying about losing a track of time and clearing my thoughts from all the drivers that make me mad. I wanna keep moving, keep moving, keep moving, nowhere to go, nowhere to head to, just move and keep moving. I wanna run until my soles hit the cracks and my knees collapse from my bones and the ground start shaking and leaking the cracks and shaking and shaking and shaking until the whole ground will swallow me in whole making me invisible creating a sudden escape from this very momentum.
THIS IS A WORLD that’s too good to be true. This is a world where all is lain on cards and it’s up to you to pick your ace and play the game. This is a world you got no control of all forces that drive you through. This is a world where all you battle in the end is yourself.
THAT TIME WHEN all is placid and a soft friendly atmosphere is all over the place. There’s no one there but you, the coffee table and your cup of coffee and no one’s bugging you yet for no reason, you’re just not enjoying it; instead, you can hardly stay calm and enjoy the placidity as you sip your coffee. You can even hardly flatten your feet on the tiles as you sit on the chair because you keep standing, thinking, anticipating what to do next. You seem so scared to relax for you may miss something important. You’re just so bothered of everything and getting so irritated yet you’re not even aware where your irritation is coming from.
THAT FEELING WHEN your heart seems heavy for no reason, no driver, nor anything that may knock on your motor. That feeling when your mind is loaded with plans and ideas where racing thoughts are now starting to drive your ego and thinking about it agitates you and you start getting irritated of your current situation. That feeling when time turns too slow that you just wanna make time run faster. That feeling when you keep breathing heavily like you just ran a mile yet all you did was to keep thinking of plans and what to do next.
I HATE IT WHEN I feel so up and at the same time down. It gets into my nerve making me feel always irritated and can’t stay in one place for more than a minute. It makes me feel like I wanna run yet I got nowhere to go. My mind keeps on turning formulating ideas over and over again and I just can’t help but think. It’s getting so manic and I’m really so irritated. The more I keep thinking, the more I realize that I’m too far from the idea and now I’m getting so pissed of myself as all forms of emotions are now coming through, surfacing from within, getting a hold of me rapidly swinging all in 9 seconds. I can now hardly breath. I’m now drowning in my own thoughts. They just keep on twirling and twirling and I just can’t stop them.
I’M JUST THINKING if I’m the only person in this world experiencing this. I’m just thinking that if this happens to another person, can that person keep up? I hardly can but I guess I’m just already used to it.