I was so aware of my slippers making steps as I tried to gambol down the staircase. The house looked alive as the lights were switched on, but this undeniable feeling that it’s now dead was all over the atmosphere; like a curse was all casted upon it.
As soon as I opened the front door, the cold night breeze welcomed me, which made me wrap my arms around my shoulders. I squinted while raising my head up the sky for the cold breeze was hurting my eyes. The wind wasn’t blowing that strongly though, but its coldness was drying my eyes, causing pain, making them feel tired. I kept making slow full steps away from the door as I kept glancing around, looking around, watching the leaves from a nearby tree smoothly sway with the breeze. Its lusciousness kept the night renewed.
Despite the coldness of the night, I still kept walking away from the door, heading towards the gate. As I reached the forever open gate, I made a long sigh to drop all the worries off. The breeze was starting to go even colder as the night was about to go off, to give way to sunrise. It’s early dawn and though I had just rested for few hours, I still felt like I never had.
How strange was this feeling that everyone in the house was already asleep yet, here I was, standing outside, withdrawing all my emotions off, keeping my heart cold to numb the pain. I thought it was okay, but why did I feel differently all in a sudden? Why did I suddenly drown when I thought that I finally had a grip?
The steady blow of this early morning air was cool enough to hurt my cheeks. I was now getting conscious of my eyelids making folds everytime I blink. My eyes were still growing dim and tired yet, my brains made them awake. I wanted to take them back to bed and shut them forever yet, there’s something in me asking me to stay a little longer.
An unsolicited feeling of loneliness slowly invaded my heart like that of a nullity of shock as my emotions slowly deformed me in this relentless, formless melancholy. It’s pinching my heart, crumpling it into a hundred folds. I was now starting to get numb about my very existence being out here as early as dawn, earlier than sunrise. Then a sudden thought entered my mind. So soft like that of a whisper of a friend who happened to be YOU, asking me to come home. The more I noticed it, the more it turned louder like music played with cymbals and drums. Or, maybe I was just not hearing it, afterall. Probably! Yet, probably, it’s your silence and your casual vacancies that I’ve been hearing all along, deafening my ears, getting even louder as the days had gone by.
Helpless about this situation, I just simply blinked my eyes as I raised them to the sky. The waning Moon was still abroad so I still had to say, Hi! It’s always been my late night companion. It’s always there to listen. What’s strange was that, it just felt exactly the same! Circumstances differed but the pain felt exactly the same. This pain when your friendship is having a hard time surviving its own crisis. Time never heals everything. That’s what I believe in; unless you go along with it. Yet, this time, I don’t know if I still want to go along with. I thought all was okay. I just thought so. I think it’s okay if I want to draw lines. I think it’s okay to drive off the crowd. I think it’s okay to cherish this pain for now because honestly, they still hurt. I want silence. I want peace. I think it’s okay to show that I’m still not okay.
I have gotten to the point when I’m torn into half. I have gotten to the point where all these little pebbles, which I endlessly crunch in my hands, now slowly dusting off like dead leaves dramatically falling on the ground as Summer gave way to Fall.
I still keep hearing your sweet voice calling my name from behind as a light clattering of plates interfered coming from a distant dining window. It kept on pinching my heart as I inhaled this desperating air rising up in the night. All my wishful thinking drowned me in the river of my own tears. The pain had gotten heavier as I stayed here even longer. The air had gotten warmer as I stepped on this broken bridge. I was now moving away further from the deck where I could glance on the dining window. I now heard nothing but the monotonous awkward sound of an empty night.
As I kept waiting right here in the dark, a sudden loud thunder broke out as heavy rain poured down on me, washing all my troubles yet, my hands were still burning like Winter fire. They’re starting to age as my eyes were now turning pale.
Then I got destructed by the warmth I suddenly felt on my face, and thought that I needed to touch it, in which I did, then found myself surprised about how wet my face was. I was crying. I didn’t know I was already crying, and that just pulled me right off from my momentary trancé. I took a long sigh after finding myself back on my spot, right here, right now, standing by the open gate; and, that it’s cold because it’s Winter instead of Fall, and that the rain was just impossible to break out.
There was this heavy feeling that’s trying to surface from within; trying to push itself up to burst. I’ve been fighting it until I can no longer hold it back, so then I just closed my eyes and simply let these warm big tears stream down my face. The feeling was so relieving. The feeling was so unnerving. I thought I needed to cry, so then I did. Feeding one’s loneliness could sometimes be the best feeling in the world.
So, I think it’s okay. I think it’s okay not to be okay sometimes. For now, I just want to stay this way.