FEAR INVADE ME like tons of warriors breaking down the Wall of China. It cramps me in making me invisible making me like I no longer exists. It drives me through this vast vagueness of darkness where I can no longer see myself. It peeps through this tiny little hole corrupting every edge of me killing me inside very slowly where the endless pain is the only constant variable I can recognize. I reckon it again until the pain numbs my heart and I can no longer feel my heartbeat for it’s already corrupted, consumed leaving me exhausted making me count my life and just simply wait, anticipate for the end seems so near yet it torments me forever. I anticipate my life counting every second rushing through leaving me breathless and all these pains are now so unbearable glaring all these horrors in my mind creating me small little pictures of how it might end. The end is near and I obviously feel it yet it seems so far as these pains go on consuming me, constantly provoking me to anticipate it. It’s stronger than all these principles that molded in as a human being. It’s stronger than all these changes that occur around me. It’s stronger that it just simply wipes my life out maneuvering it making me restless as I watch myself seeing my life fastly changing all in 9 seconds. I’m already anticipating it’s end yet I’m still fighting and dying to live. I’m forcing myself to win this hopeless battle where I fight with myself and my mind. My heart keeps beating faster yet I’m not sure how long it may last.
UNTIL WHEN SHOULD I keep fighting? Until the time comes when nothing will be left out of my wound? Until the time comes when nothing will be left out of me but my broken hands? Life is at stake. Life is a count. Life is just so awesome and I do know that but life is unbearable, too. This road I keep tracking on repeats itself in cycle where I’m already tired of passing through. It’s so unbearable and I’m no longer seeing it all. I can’t keep tracking this road forever. As days go by, they get worse. I just don’t know how to start it because everytime I head myself to the other side, it always take me to the same spot.
I’M STILL SITTING ON this losing edge of this empty bench where I keep waiting, waiting, waiting for something I don’t even know what it is. Despite all that, I’m still not losing it in me. I’m still not losing it for right in the middle of this blinding face of darkness, there’s still a very tiny spot somewhere within me, too small to notice, that’s left out unconquered and softly surfaces at the eleventh hour where I badly need it making me human again.
AFTERALL, I still survive!